Going through a separation is hard. Really hard.
Here we share our top tips for navigating this difficult time, allowing you to move through your separation without getting stuck in a cycle of resentment and anger.
1. Set Boundaries
Whilst is can be tempting to contact your ex-partner to vent about the separation or seek support and understanding from them, this is generally not helpful as it makes it harder to emotionally separate from each other.
It is also important to ensure that you remain physically separated from your former partner by limiting the time spent with them and choosing not to re-engage in intimate contact with them. Engaging in an intimate / physical way with an ex-partner can cause confusion about what is and is not acceptable now that you are no longer a couple and only serves to prolong the separation process, making the emotional journey that much harder.
Instead, talk to your friends and family, or a counsellor or other support person, about your relationship breakdown.
2. Prioritise re-establishing yourself as an individual
Once the decision is made to separate, it is important to allow yourself time to re-define your identity and purpose as an individual, outside of the relationship.
This may include spending some time to decide what fills your own personal cup, setting new personal goals, and pursuing those activities that interest you. You may find it helpful to step outside of your comfort zone by joining sporting or other groups and making new friends.
During this time, it might be helpful to think about the things you have learnt about yourself and your needs as a result of your last relationship and make a list of things you would like to bring to and receive from a future relationship.
3. Prioritise self-care
It is important to prioritise your own mental and physical health by enjoying a healthy diet, regular exercise, getting plenty of rest, and taking some time to do the things you enjoy.
During this time, remind yourself regularly that just because one relationship has failed, doesn’t mean that you do not deserve love or to be loved.
4. Learn about the emotional stages of separation, and try to plan ahead for the tough days
The separation process can bring up many different emotions including grief, anger, resentment, jealousy, depression, and self-doubt, as well as more positive emotions such as relief and hope for the future. Knowing that tough days will come and planning ahead is key to ensuring that you safely navigate the emotional journey.
Plan some activities that you can do on the tough days, which will help take your mind off any negative feelings you may have. This can include meeting with friends, or engaging in activities that you find enjoyable or at least distracting.
5. Try to set aside thoughts of blame, feelings of grievance, vindication, or vengeance.
Many couples continue their dispute after separation, arguing over explanations as to why their relationship broke down.
However, once the decision to separate has been made it really is not helpful to get stuck in the rut of blaming the other person for causing the end of the relationship.
Each person in the relationship will form their own view of why the relationship has ended, and nothing positive usually comes from arguing about who is wrong and right.
To speak to one of our Family Law Solicitors to find out if Mediation or Collaborative Practice is right for you and your situation, contact the team here.
